Taped up Memories
by Xx.Toxic.Little.KisseS.xX
Summary: [strong angst] Implied yaoi between Zack x Cloud. His mind was a mess, he knew that. He could see it in his own reflection, and hear it in his own mind. His memories, Zacks' memories, both kept him together and tore him apart.


**(Taped up Memories)**

Disclaimer: Dont own Final Fantasy and all that

Warnings: Implied Yaoi

Rating: T for mind fcuking

x-o-x-o-x

His mind was a mess, he knew that. He could see it in his own reflection, and hear it in his own mind. His memories

(Zacks' memories)

both kept him together and tore him apart. They ripped at his insides like a swallowed razor, tearing

(breaking, slicing, bursting, splitting)

until he thought he would die, then wished he would, just to escape the pain. His friends kept him alive

(breathing, hurting, sane, moving, sleeping, eating)

but he wasnt sure how far that would last, how long he could keep up the charade

(lies, forced smiles, promises)

as Tifas' lover, Denzels' father and Marlenes' uncle. He wasn't any of them, he was broken and a breaker

(killer, hunter, murderer, heart-breaker)

not the Hero they labeled him. He was dirt. Zacks' memories tickled in his mind like a feather against his heel

(a true smile -Sephiroths?- a pretty laugh -Tifas?- a first kiss -Clouds!-)

unforgiving and relentless as a river against stone. He was haunted by the SOLDIER and his own guilt and sins

(so many mistakes)

of a past better forgotten but unable to let go. The past that kept revisiting him, leaving him no choice but to fight

(kill his idol again and again)

or die, which no one seems to let him do. He wasnt alone, that much was true, but how could anyone sort through those memories

(nightmares, dreams, thoughts)

but him? How could anyone sort out his memories from Zacks? There are times he dreams of memories and he can tell, and others

(do you know how frightning it is?)

when he sees himself and thats the only way he can tell if its his memory or Zacks. He cant tell if it was him who saw Tifa

(giggle as calloused fingers brushed through her hair)

and Aerith

(beam as a rare flower was presented to her)

and Hojo

(pain, why does it hurt, arg, no more)

and even the great General Sephiroth

(whisper sweet words with that beautiful smile that could make any hardened SOLDIER swoon)

or if it was Zack who saw them, who felt them and lived them. It physically hurt. He would wake up gasping for breath, coughing blood

(why? why why why wouldn't it stop?)

and wishing for his death. Just to let the pain stop and the memories rest.

-Did he deserve death?

-Did he deserve releif?

He killed them.

(let them die)

_"Are sins ever forgiven?"_

(why would they be?)

_"Get on your knees and beg for forgiveness."_

-Did he deserve forgiveness?

-Did he deserve redemtion?

_"No giving up!"_

(an order...an order he took to heart)

Did he love Tifa, anyone? No. Noone could take the place in his heart and mind still occupied by Zack

(controlled by Zack)

leaving no room. Perhaps it was the Mako in his body that made him that way. Perhaps not. Maybe he was insane

(crazy, balmy, lost, mental, to-far-gone)

and wrong. Would this torment end? Would it have a fairy tale ending with roses

(Zack loved roses, yellow ones or red, didnt matter which)

and hearts. Will Denzel and Marlenes laughter break through? Or will one of his visits to the church

(couldnt even keep _her_ safe for him)

and that water do it? Or will his thoughts circle and his dreams continue until he coughs up more blood

(to much blood)

then he can replace? He doesnt know, will never know until it happens. Perhaps when he dies Zack will help him

(save him)

sort through the memories.

_"Where friends, right?"_

Maybe, maybe not. They were so many things

(friends, lovers, first kiss, true love, best bud, protector)

when they were together, and now he was just taped up memories, some that were his, some that werent, and some

(smile, laughter, pain, blood, scream, promises, confessions)

that could be either, or someone elses entirely.

x-o-x-o-x

Authors Notes: Well, my second Zack x Cloud fic. A bit strange (a bit?) but I hope you like and get what I tried to make it into. lol. I love this pairing, though ive never given it much credit. Thanks for reading. Reviews are nice!

Love,

Jaffa

xoxoxo


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